Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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