I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize