last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
