Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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