How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
