You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
