i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
