I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
