just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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