I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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