I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
