Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
