I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
