I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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