I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
