Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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