He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
