I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize