I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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