I just threw up on my dentist
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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