Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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