I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I can text with my tongue
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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