If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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