Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize