DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
