Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize