Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
