I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
