He is such a slut. More and more my type.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
