My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
