ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize