I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
