I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
