I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
