I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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