You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
