Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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