yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
