as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
