I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
