the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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