Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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