hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
