what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
