i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
