I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
