Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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