My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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