He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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