Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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