Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
