Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
