I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
