hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
