i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
