The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
