I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
