if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
