Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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