i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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