see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
