Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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