Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
