dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
