Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
whose parrot is this?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
