how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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