You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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