she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
