so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
