I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk is not a location!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
